Q: My wife and I have been married for almost eight years. During those eight years we have had a lot of fun. We've bought two houses together, gone on trips, had a son (who turned two back in July) .. and just had that 'picture perfect' marriage that all our friends look at and wish they could do the same. I love my wife, but it just seems like lately she doesn't appreciate me. I have always been selfless in our relationship - putting her needs above my own, being a good listener, etc... I very rarely do anything I want to do because I always want to make sure she is happy. I've been working non-stop on my days off on our new (old) house that we are doing a remodel on it so we can move in. I am working a ton of overtime at my regular job so we can pay for all these things. I even bought her a motorcycle two weeks ago because she said she has always wanted one. I put forth all this effort into our relationship but it seems like I never get anything in return. Every time I want to do something for myself, or buy something for myself I get chewed out for it, or she gives me a guilt trip. For all the work I've been doing on the house, I never hear a simple thank you for all the hard work I do. She very rarely shows any affection towards me (i.e. holding hands, kisses on the cheek, hugs, etc..) I never open up and tell her what I'm feeling emotionally, because in the past, that has only turned the tables on me, and she just rolls her eyes at me and thinks I'm being selfish. So, I just keep my lips zipped. I don't know what to do anymore. I love her so much, I just want to be loved and appreciated as a husband and father for everything I do, but not be looked at as someone who is being selfish.
A: I am a wife as well. I have been in your exact shoes with my husband. It was a contention that would cause us to argue all the time. Until I relized that I had to learn a couple of things. I needed to listen to how my husband was feeling; and acknowledge those feelings. I had to let him know that I was hearing what he was feeling; Even if I didnt agree with those feelings or felt that they were unjustified. Feelings are feelings and the is NOTHING wrong with feelings. I agree that you may have spoiled your wife. Something you cant undo now, compared to 5 years ago, for example. Buying her a motercycle 2 weeks ago, just beacuse she said she wanted one, is too much. You are working your ass off, getting no where, trying to pay for your new(old) house. For you to go and buy yourself something, or do something for yourself, you should, NEVER, have to deal with a guilt trip or a "chewing out". You should, NEVER, have to deal with keeping your lips zipped or when you do so, it ends up being about her and then the fight is on. (something I used to do) I think you need to have a sit down with your wife, stick to your guns and really tell her how you feel. If you are not confortable with that, try writting her a letter. She cant interupt you or turn in into something about herself. If you still cant get anywhere with that, I am sorry, you may have to leave her. No matter how much you love her, if she wont even show you affection, then maybe she doesnt love you anymore. If that is the case, you shouldnt be in a marriage that isnt making you happy. You deserve better and you should want better for yourself. Even if you seperate for a time, maybe you leaving, will wake her up and help her relize where she needs to improve herself to make your marriage work. (I went through that as well) Take a stand for yourself. A marriage is hard work. To make it work, you have to work hard at it. If both parties arent putting in their equal share, then why put yourself through anymore heartache and pain. Take care and I hope, whatever happens, you find what you are seeking. Be happy my friend. Good Luck!! PS. Sorry if my spelling is bad. ;)